Tikkun Olam

(nablopomo day 28) Everyone is aware of Murphy's Law, right? - "Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong." However, are you familiar with MURPHY'S OTHER 15 LAWS...? No? Well, never fear--I am posting them here for your enlightenment, so that your lives will improve immediately.  Here they are: MURPHY'S OTHER 15 LAWS : 1. Light travels faster than sound, this is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 2. A fine is a tax for doing something wrong, a tax is a fine for doing well! 3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest. 4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night. 5. Change is inevitable,  except from a vending machine. 6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. 7. Nothing is foolproof to a suffiently talented fool. 8. The 50-50 rule: anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. 9. It is said that if you line all the cars in the worl...

 (nablopomo day 22) (Got this in an email from my eldest. Which is why I don't live here ( thank you, M .) Finally, a  true map of Florida that explains this weird, but  wonderful state. Those of you who live in Florida will  recognize it, and those who don’t have been warned  !!! You  know you're a Floridian if.... Socks are  only for bowling . You never use an umbrella  because you know the rain will be over in five  minutes. A good parking place has nothing  to do with distance from the store, but everything to do with  shade.   Your winter coat is made  of denim. You can tell the difference  between fire ant bites and mosquito  bites.   You're younger than  thirty but some of your friends are over  65. Anything under 70 degrees is  chilly . You've driven through Yeehaw  Junction. You know that no other grocery  store can compare to Publix. Every...

Okay, so we had a discussion on Our Shiputzim on the word " fadicha ," which is Israeli slang meaning approximately a 'mess-up,' or 'awkward or embarrassing moment,' or a 'lousy complication,' etc. So some years ago, around 2005, when I heard my sons using this word, I thought it was funny, and decided to be a cool Savta and use it. Only when the time came to use it, I had forgotten it. What I remembered was a parallel universe's approximation of it: " fachula ." AFTER my kids picked themselves up off the floor laughing ("ROTFLOL" just doesn't cut it here), I used it again just for laughs (my kids' laughter makes me happy), and it stuck--and became a Family Joke. So now, everyone knows that a fachula is a fadicha in Afula .

Okay. So you think you know how to run a Seder, eh? How about updating it a little into the 21st Century; like, say-how it would look on Facebook , for instance. Or, what if you're in grad school, and you are reading the Haggadah? Well, thanks to Carl Elkin , welcome to The Graduate Student Haggadah . (hat tip: my very own Toodles .) Pesach kasher ve-sameach,er- sameach ve-kasher!

The Biden/Palin debate aired last Thursday. Last night (motzei Shabbat), SNL took the opportunity-and this campaign sure is giving them ample opportunity-to parody it. I just caught the tail end of it, but was reminded of it when I watched Meet the Press this morning. I think it's a *scream and therefore worthy of posting (and isn't Tina Fey almost a dead ringer for Sarah Palin?) Here it is in it's entirety:

Muslim davening is short, but you have to do it five times a day (I mean, aren't shacharit , mincha , and maariv enough already?) In addition, Seinfeld is pretty funny, and he's Jewish. That's got to mean something, right? And don't forget--only the K ohanim (or wait, is it the C ohanim . . . I'm so confused, this is making me dyslexic) have to remove their shoes . And Jews dance better, too.

Thank heaven for my professional and reliable Research Assistants in my Research Department, such as M (in London), N (in the A. Intelligence Agency), and Betzalel, (my contact in the Shin-Bet) - among others, without whom I could never post the deep, pithy and world-changing posts that I do. Like this one, which finally reveals the Seven Great Truths of Mankind: This is what SAD looks like : This is what SORRY looks Like: This is what BAD SPELLING looks like: This is what our TAX DOLLARS AT WORK looks like: This is what A BLONDE'S CAR looks like: This is what "IT'S OK I'LL WAIT" looks like: And this is what " I THOUGHT YOUR HUSBAND WAS OUT OF TOWN" looks like: (Keep up that research, guys!)

I honestly don't know how people who work for a living can keep up a blog on a regular basis, let alone read others' blogs. I am finding it quite the challenge. I also am not finding the time to research my ideas* (and meanwhile, as a result, my readership has plunged all the way down into the toilet.). After two previous perverse perturbing posts (note the alliteration) it's time for some canned humor-since there isn't much in my life, heheh- I get my humor vicariously from good friends such as Betzalel , who in his inimitable weekly 'parsha papers' and bi (and tri) weekly forwards almost always comes up with something worth printing. Ok, reprinting (I'd give attribution here but I don't know where these are from; so much research, so little time! ) If you weren't sure who you were, you will be, now: THE BATH TUB TEST : It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and This should help get you started. During a visit to the ...

Over two dozen US newspapers including the Washington Post last weekend decided against publishing a cartoon depicting a couple where the girlfriend just converted to Islam. Apparently the cartoon, prior to the decision, was shown to several Muslims working there who may have expressed their concern, after which the decision not to publish was made. Was this the right decision? What about the first amendment to the constitution providing for freedom of speech? Are we "running scared" of Muslims, but Jews and Christians are fair game? Is this the ultimate in political correctness? Here is the video on MSNBC. Click on or copy and paste the address in a new browser, go to "Editor's Picks," and search the pages for "Is Islam Off-Limits in Comic Strips." http://video.msn.com/v/us/msnbc.htm?f=00&g=64e9ad4e-b6ea-48d3-a321-adb1e5e71900&p=News_Editors%20Picks&t=m5&rf=http://www.msnbc.msn.com/&fg = Here is the link to the actual cartoon: htt...

For the past couple of weeks I have been reading some serious blogs which question Judaism, the divinity of the Torah, halacha, the TSBP (Torah she'be'al peh=oral Torah), and other minor questions such as whether or not G-d exists, not to mention creationism versus evolution, etc. As they started saying in the 70s, this is some heavy stuff (well, that sure dates me). All of these questions are important. I myself have questioned many aspects of my religion, and still have questions while I continue to be "Orthodox" (whatever that is). I've made the decision that the benefits outweigh the negatives, and the fact that I still have some doubts is ok. I had a fairly strong Jewish and secular education, and no, it didn't solve all the problems nor did it answer all my religious and existential questions. So what? I judge my religion as a whole by the behavior and actions of its adherents, not only by what it professes. On the whole, I would ask you: 1) Do Jews prov...

Some more JEWISH HUMOR ( thanks to Betzalel, my Jewish Joke Research Scientist ) : Signs on Synagogue Bulletin Boards : 1. Under same management for over 5767 years. 2. Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case. 3 What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand? *************************** Shul committees should be made up of three members..two of whom should be absent at every meeting. Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University: "The future of the Jewish people is in your hands." My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty. They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty. Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies. It was meal time during a flight on El Al. "Would you like dinner?," the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front. "What are my choices?," Moshe asked. "Yes, or no," she replied. An elderly Jewish man is knocked down...

As I said in my last post, I was somewhat depressed by various situations, one of which I wrote about. Sometimes it is best not to dwell on one subject which is 'getting you down,' because often the deeper and deeper you delve into it, the murkier the waters become. . . and your vision becomes unclear. So I decided to 'surf the web,' to "research' (term used very loosely) my next post. In the course of reading my email and various blogs looking for a new post-theme, I came across a funny joke, so in order to get myself into a happier state ( Delaware ), I visited one or two of these joke sites to shift my pair-a-dime(s!) You will read a good Blonde Joke when you click on the title link*, and this one below was sent to me by my friend Betzalel. I do not know it's origin. I do know my husband could probably relate to this, with his "four food groups" of peanut butter, single malt, donuts & coffee: My kind of doctor... Q: I've heard that card...

Courtesy of my friend Betzalel (at least, I hope he still is!): " These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. It's worth reading to the end! Those of you who have worked with attorneys will find this very easy to understand. Others will find it easier ." ATTORNEY : Are you sexually active? WITNESS : No, I just lie there. _______________________________ ATTORNEY : What is your date of birth? WITNESS : July 18th. ATTORNEY : What year? WITNESS : Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ______________________________________ ! ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? W...

(hat tip: my London connection, M---) Jewish Buddhist Haiku to be read with a straight face: If there is no self, whose arthritis is this? Be here now. Be someplace else later. I s that so complicated? Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip ... joy. With the second ... satisfaction. With the third, peace. With the fourth, a danish. Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story. Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, Or a life without problems. What would you talk about? The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single "oy." There is no escaping karma: In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that? Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish. Breathe in. Breathe out...

What does this post have to do with the price of noodles (let alone my sojourn in Israel)? Nothing, except that I had to go more than 7,000 miles away to Israel to get the pfunniest fpuns that I have yet read in the English language ( hat tip to Shellie in Efrat for passing them on): THE ABILITY TO MAKE AND UNDERSTAND PUNS IS THE HIGHEST LEVEL OF LANGUAGE DEVELOPMENT" (or so they say!) Here are the 10 first-place winners in the International Pun Contest: 1 . A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger." 2 . Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!" 3 . Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 4 . Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, ...

"It was Rosh Hashanah morning, and the Rabbi noticed little Adam was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the synagogue. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the Rabbi walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Adam.""Good morning, Rabbi," replied the youngster, still focused on the plaque. Finally, Adam asks, "Rabbi, what is this? "Well, it's a memorial to all the men and women who died in the service."Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.Adam's voice was barely audible when he asked: "Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur?" (credit to my friend, Miriam Liebe for this little story).

I'm tired. I am still receiving war-and-cease-fire-related mail from my Arutz Sheva subscriptions et al. My inboxes (yes, unfortunately I have more than one email address) are clogged with important and not-so-important-but-interesting links to various articles, commentaries, snippets and videos on all things about Israel, world opinion, Heathrow-liquid-bomb-plot-thwart and Syria-and-Iran-supporting-Hizbollah-terrorist-related, until my head is spinning. And I actually was (sort of) intending to do another post on these very-close-to-my-heart subjects. And then suddenly, it hit me: My brain needs a break. I want, instead, something light and funny. Didn't know where to look for it - is there anything funny going on in the world today?- and then I found this . And this time, it probably isn't lost in translation (my tongue is out of my cheek; I just hope that my foot isn't in my mouth). (enough with the cliches) -enjoy!

בסייעתא דשמיא בסייעתא דשמיא בסייעתא דשמיא בסייעתא דשמיא בסייעתא דשמיא בסייעתא דשמיא I am wiped by that last post (it was lo-ooooong) , so all I'm going to do is post a wise saying by 'confucius' (-was he jewish?). This is exactly what Israel needs to do; determine who is left: Israel. B'ezrat Hashem, we will prevail.

I received this in an email from a friend in Tzfat. Depressing, but although it is a joke, it exemplifies how the media would cover such a story: "A man in Paris saw a pit bull attacking a toddler. He killed the pit bull and saved the child's life. Reporters swarmed the fellow to cover the story.... "Tell us! What's your name? All Paris will love you! Tomorrow's headline will be: 'Paris Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'" The guy says, "But I'm not from Paris." Reporters: "That's OK. Then the whole of France will love you and tomorrow's headline will read: 'French Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog"! The guy says, "I'm not from France, either." Reporters: "That's OK also. All Europe will love you. Tomorrow's headlines will shout: 'Europe's Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'" The guy says, "I'm not from Europe, either." Reporters: "So, where ARE you from?...