For a Change of Pace: When was the last time you heard a Lawyer Joke?

Courtesy of my friend Betzalel (at least, I hope he still is!):

"These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. It's worth reading to the end! Those of you who have worked with attorneys will find this very easy to understand. Others will find it easier."

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. _______________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ______________________________________ !

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? _____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan. ______________ ________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one. ________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question? ______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? ______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? ______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? ______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. ______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! _________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________


And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

(not to worry--we'll get to the serious stuff in the next post, maybe. Or not.)

Comments

Newsman said…
Et tu, Markus
Lady-Light said…
Newsman: Ooooh, I won't tell him you said that!
Lakewood Venter said…
pretty cute.
You forgot the last line of the best one!

And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, he might have been an attorney.
Lady-Light said…
Nice to see 'ya, Jameel (better late than never, I say.)
I reprinted this exactly as I got it--without the last line; but it sure sounds plausible, doesn't it? (forgive me, my lawyer friends-nothing personal...!)

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