Down Under, After. . .
So why am I so down?
First of all, it's our finances. Basically, we don't have any. We can't afford the flights back to Israel, let alone pay for the wedding. We are having trouble paying out bills, including the loan we took out for our younger son's wedding.
One of my kids doesn't want to talk to me (don't even ask).
Then, it's my weight. It is causing other physical problems, including hypertension, etc. But I just don't have the cheshek to bring it down; don't have any energy or desire to, and yet I can't stand myself the way I am. I also just had a follow-up CT scan; the doctors are checking my lungs, on which they found a possible 'spot.'
I am still unemployed, but am not really seriously looking for work: no desire, no energy, and a spotty job history (haven't yet found the right one for me).
I do have a temporary job starting the week after next, until December. But it pays very little, although a college degree and an English test are required, and there were highly educated people working there for the last project I was on: rocket scientists, double- Masters-degreed professionals, including authors, educators, military analysts, etc. --NONE of whom have found work elsewhere. That is depressing in and of itself.
And to top that off, I read an article about the most depressing jobs, and the fact that statistically the unemployed are more depressed, here. Maybe I should consider a new career: engineer, architect, or surveyor - found to be the most satisfying jobs.
And then I read a news story about Condi Rice trying to talk Israel into so-called 'peace talks' towards creating a (G-d help us) "Palestinian" State, with Olmert ready to hand Yerushalayim right over, like this one.
And I've also been reading certain skeptical blogs which are contributing to and reinforcing my doubts about everything. Combine that with what I see 'on the ground,' and it doesn't really seem as if there is a Divine force invervening in world events, from the micro to the macro. It's all just chaos, tohu va-vohu. I mean, I even prayed to win the lottery, and I didn't. Nobody's listening.
The idea of hashgachah pratit (Divine intervention) guiding us is probably just a human being's way of assuaging his fears and explaining the unexplainable. And also to be attributing everything (even the 'falling of a leaf' as Chassidism interprets it) to G-d, the responsibility is off us, isn't it. I've got to cheer myself up somehow.
Ok, got it:
Gosh. I feel better already.
Comments
Okee dokes, gonna go get crackin... i have 3 words for you....and then i have to run too work..Youre toooooooo F*%&^ING cute!! i said three cuz that blasphomous word isnt really spelled out :)
i havent been at a computer in a week and my laptop is acting funny, one of these days i'm going to learn how to use this thing...til then :p...
Frugal Journey for ways of getting out of debt. You are not alone--there is a big letdown after the holidays and engagements are joyful, but stressful. And whatever issue you have with your child is probably most stressful of all.
MAZAL TOV!
Count your blessings and only your blessings.
Refuah shleimah. Put on a happy face, since it has been proven that smiles make happy hormones. And only expose yourself to good positive people and blogs.
Join Jewish Flybabies and take steps to control your life.
I feel for you. Mazel on your son, but yes, it is very very stressful. Try to think that Hashem made it this way for a reason, and that worrying about it is not solving anything. Hashem IS listening to you. Put faith in him, and ALL, I mean EVERYTHING will come to place. I don't know when or how or in what way. But I know that Hashem loves you, and will take care of you. All you can do is your best, and try to find little things that make you happy until it happens. Best of luck, and a big wet kiss from my dog. We love you.
miri-poo: FooFooNess? That's funny; how are my toes?, uh, fine; how are yours? I'm sorry, I don't really understand what you are trying to say. Do I know you? The name 'miri-poo' sounds familiar (btw,"definitely is spelled with an 'i' and "blasphemous" with an 'e'.). And no bad language on my blog, please.
to motherinIsrael and muse: Thank you both for your kind words and helpful advice. Due to technical difficulties (eh, must be 'the wayward laptop,' see above...)I have not been able to completely check out your suggestions but I certainly plan to.
Anon: Thank you, too, for your empathy and kind words. I accept that big wet kiss! (Do I know your dog?)
But goshie gosh--nobody commented on that hysterical video. Anyway, I thought it was hysterical. . .
wishing u lots of luck in all areas of your life, lady.
o and re the hashgocha pratis bit--its well worth ur while to look more into it. in short, we believe that hashem is constantly recreating the world using the asara ma'amarot he originally created the world with. (if Hed stop for even one sec, we'd cease to exist). so, considering that, of course we gotta say that He is directing every step and sound.
heivant?
ye'hi sh'mey:Thank you muchly. I am feeling better already (got a pretty decent health report back from the doc, thank G-d.). It's good to know someone in Ma'ale Adumim...my other acquaintances haven't answered my emails & I don't know if they still live there (email me re this.)You are very kind. I also commented on עקיבא 's blog (a bit late) - mazal tov!
simply i dont know the hebrew keyboard!
write to me in hebrew! i need it!
I've been wrestling with the doubt thing a lot the last four months. (and most of my adult life I was an atheist)
A partially complete, abbreviated summary of my accpetance of things...
(a) to love Torah for its own sake means for _no gain_ nor _any_ external influence. Knowing for sure that Torah is from Hashem is such an influence. The goal is love of the righteousness. (How that word has been tainted by arrogance and hypocrisy!) Torah exists to provide a path to walk along towards that goal. (Towards! we're human, we don't ARRIVE!
Hashem can make angels. I believe we're not being marked on results. I think it's literally "how you play the game".
What's the point of making a bad machine to do divine work (humans) when flawless machines (angels) are available? If results were the key thing?
That's an answer: if the process is more important than the results.)
(b) certainty leads to disrespect for reality itself (which is Hashem's work). Because it enhances the tendency to see what you want rather than see what is there. The Rambam says we have faith in unity/oneness of all things, not faith in truth.
(c) look at the horrors humans are party to. Surely something bad should happen for the gap between intentions and deeds.
But it's credible we deserve mercy, even so. We were thrust into this mess unasked...in a stituation where doing the right thing is simple and simple things are very difficult too much of the time.
But I think not getting to know if Hashem has objective reality or not is sufficient and proportionate consequence for our lapses. To answer the things we could do (even after the difficulties) yet don't.
(cont)
This explains an apparent contradiction. How Hashem can set up this punishment before we did the wrong doings. Just as mercy is granted before the misdeeds, too.
I think maybe to Hashem we are a sculpture in eternity. To us we are the marble, collectively aware of every change from blockness to finished form. (and we are marble that every speck of it has the single choice: to be part of the sculpture or not. When a chip flakes off, the work incorporates that dynamic reality. We too will sing with joy of Creation when it is all done.)
rofey choley amo Yisrael. Life wounds, Hashem heals, it all gets brought into the Oneness. I believe in Olam Ha Ba, that my pain becomes everyone else's, my learning theirs, and vice versa...and also the relief and joy of everyone's healing.
Since we all get fixed up in the end, the pain doesn't matter in the end. Just like pneumonia is horrible while you have it but when it's gone, life goes on.
And if that's just airy nonsense to you as well, I hope you find peace and receive blessings.
I have found no assurance there is an objective reality to Hashem. I've also found I don't need certainty. Judaism _could_ be true.
And if it's not, I'm willing to die striving to make its dream as real as the situation will allow.
If Hashem is our construction, that construction is badly needed by humanity.
Kendra