Down Under, After. . .
So why am I so down?
First of all, it's our finances. Basically, we don't have any. We can't afford the flights back to Israel, let alone pay for the wedding. We are having trouble paying out bills, including the loan we took out for our younger son's wedding.
One of my kids doesn't want to talk to me (don't even ask).
Then, it's my weight. It is causing other physical problems, including hypertension, etc. But I just don't have the cheshek to bring it down; don't have any energy or desire to, and yet I can't stand myself the way I am. I also just had a follow-up CT scan; the doctors are checking my lungs, on which they found a possible 'spot.'
I am still unemployed, but am not really seriously looking for work: no desire, no energy, and a spotty job history (haven't yet found the right one for me).
I do have a temporary job starting the week after next, until December. But it pays very little, although a college degree and an English test are required, and there were highly educated people working there for the last project I was on: rocket scientists, double- Masters-degreed professionals, including authors, educators, military analysts, etc. --NONE of whom have found work elsewhere. That is depressing in and of itself.
And to top that off, I read an article about the most depressing jobs, and the fact that statistically the unemployed are more depressed, here. Maybe I should consider a new career: engineer, architect, or surveyor - found to be the most satisfying jobs.
And then I read a news story about Condi Rice trying to talk Israel into so-called 'peace talks' towards creating a (G-d help us) "Palestinian" State, with Olmert ready to hand Yerushalayim right over, like this one.
And I've also been reading certain skeptical blogs which are contributing to and reinforcing my doubts about everything. Combine that with what I see 'on the ground,' and it doesn't really seem as if there is a Divine force invervening in world events, from the micro to the macro. It's all just chaos, tohu va-vohu. I mean, I even prayed to win the lottery, and I didn't. Nobody's listening.
The idea of hashgachah pratit (Divine intervention) guiding us is probably just a human being's way of assuaging his fears and explaining the unexplainable. And also to be attributing everything (even the 'falling of a leaf' as Chassidism interprets it) to G-d, the responsibility is off us, isn't it. I've got to cheer myself up somehow.
Ok, got it:
Gosh. I feel better already.