Down Under, After. . .

I am 'down under' (but not in Australia) after the chagim. I can't shake this depression. I should be happy: my older son, not to be outdone by his younger brother, got engaged right after yom tov to the girl he has been seeing since shortly before Purim. We met her and her family while we were in Israel for my younger son's wedding, and we like her and her family. This means we will be going to Israel maybe this spring for another family wedding. I am so happy for him.

So why am I so down?

First of all, it's our finances. Basically, we don't have any. We can't afford the flights back to Israel, let alone pay for the wedding. We are having trouble paying out bills, including the loan we took out for our younger son's wedding.

One of my kids doesn't want to talk to me (don't even ask).

Then, it's my weight. It is causing other physical problems, including hypertension, etc. But I just don't have the cheshek to bring it down; don't have any energy or desire to, and yet I can't stand myself the way I am. I also just had a follow-up CT scan; the doctors are checking my lungs, on which they found a possible 'spot.'

I am still unemployed, but am not really seriously looking for work: no desire, no energy, and a spotty job history (haven't yet found the right one for me).
I do have a temporary job starting the week after next, until December. But it pays very little, although a college degree and an English test are required, and there were highly educated people working there for the last project I was on: rocket scientists, double- Masters-degreed professionals, including authors, educators, military analysts, etc. --NONE of whom have found work elsewhere. That is depressing in and of itself.

And to top that off, I read an article about the most depressing jobs, and the fact that statistically the unemployed are more depressed, here. Maybe I should consider a new career: engineer, architect, or surveyor - found to be the most satisfying jobs.

And then I read a news story about Condi Rice trying to talk Israel into so-called 'peace talks' towards creating a (G-d help us) "Palestinian" State, with Olmert ready to hand Yerushalayim right over, like this one.

And I've also been reading certain skeptical blogs which are contributing to and reinforcing my doubts about everything. Combine that with what I see 'on the ground,' and it doesn't really seem as if there is a Divine force invervening in world events, from the micro to the macro. It's all just chaos, tohu va-vohu. I mean, I even prayed to win the lottery, and I didn't. Nobody's listening.

The idea of hashgachah pratit (Divine intervention) guiding us is probably just a human being's way of assuaging his fears and explaining the unexplainable. And also to be attributing everything (even the 'falling of a leaf' as Chassidism interprets it) to G-d, the responsibility is off us, isn't it. I've got to cheer myself up somehow.
Ok, got it:

Gosh. I feel better already.


Bar Kochba said…
Mazel Tov! I trust that you'll get through this rough patch. Just don't give up!
Miri-poo said…
FOOFOONESS... Your words are like the sweetness of chocolate (on a white cadillac) ;-) you got a nice design though... You should put some of your pics up, you know, the artsy ones, when you havent been at a computer in a week and your laptop is acting funny... Start trying to come up with new foods to cook actually so you don't go COMPLETELY crazy just doing the same stuff over and over cuz it's way too boring for ur life!How are your toes...? during the night it's chilly and always cold and u need to wear sweatshirts and all that, but during the day it's definately still warm...
Okee dokes, gonna go get crackin... i have 3 words for you....and then i have to run too work..Youre toooooooo F*%&^ING cute!! i said three cuz that blasphomous word isnt really spelled out :)

i havent been at a computer in a week and my laptop is acting funny, one of these days i'm going to learn how to use this thing...til then :p...
miri-poo said…
FOOFOONESS... You need to talk to a psychotherapist, for the love of God ...
Mazal tov! Hang in there and good luck with everything. Check out Orthonomics and
Frugal Journey for ways of getting out of debt. You are not alone--there is a big letdown after the holidays and engagements are joyful, but stressful. And whatever issue you have with your child is probably most stressful of all.
muse said…
First of all:

Count your blessings and only your blessings.

Refuah shleimah. Put on a happy face, since it has been proven that smiles make happy hormones. And only expose yourself to good positive people and blogs.

Join Jewish Flybabies and take steps to control your life.
Anonymous said…
I feel for you. Mazel on your son, but yes, it is very very stressful. Try to think that Hashem made it this way for a reason, and that worrying about it is not solving anything. Hashem IS listening to you. Put faith in him, and ALL, I mean EVERYTHING will come to place. I don't know when or how or in what way. But I know that Hashem loves you, and will take care of you. All you can do is your best, and try to find little things that make you happy until it happens. Best of luck, and a big wet kiss from my dog. We love you.
Lady-Light said…
bar kochba: It is somewhat of a rough time, but I'm going to get through it. Thank you so much for your visit and support. I will not give up, I promise!
miri-poo: FooFooNess? That's funny; how are my toes?, uh, fine; how are yours? I'm sorry, I don't really understand what you are trying to say. Do I know you? The name 'miri-poo' sounds familiar (btw,"definitely is spelled with an 'i' and "blasphemous" with an 'e'.). And no bad language on my blog, please.
to motherinIsrael and muse: Thank you both for your kind words and helpful advice. Due to technical difficulties (eh, must be 'the wayward laptop,' see above...)I have not been able to completely check out your suggestions but I certainly plan to.
Anon: Thank you, too, for your empathy and kind words. I accept that big wet kiss! (Do I know your dog?)
But goshie gosh--nobody commented on that hysterical video. Anyway, I thought it was hysterical. . .
sabra said…
oy lady light i do hope you are feeling better by now. the way things work is that u unleash one problemo and the rest come tumbling out. trust me on this one--im an expert on rotten moods ;)

wishing u lots of luck in all areas of your life, lady.

o and re the hashgocha pratis bit--its well worth ur while to look more into it. in short, we believe that hashem is constantly recreating the world using the asara ma'amarot he originally created the world with. (if Hed stop for even one sec, we'd cease to exist). so, considering that, of course we gotta say that He is directing every step and sound.

LL I hope you are feeling better, better able to focus. Take baby steps. Deal with each thing as it comes. Don't look back. Do what you have to do. Most of all, hang in there. Hashem does love you, and so do I. And I deeply appreciate that you comment on my blog because no one else does. :)
Lady-Light said…
sabra: heivanti. Todah. (I'd write in real Hebrew but you said your computer is Ivrit-illiterate. I hate this transliteration.Yecch!)
ye'hi sh'mey:Thank you muchly. I am feeling better already (got a pretty decent health report back from the doc, thank G-d.). It's good to know someone in Ma'ale other acquaintances haven't answered my emails & I don't know if they still live there (email me re this.)You are very kind. I also commented on עקיבא 's blog (a bit late) - mazal tov!
the sabra said…
lady light! how many times do i have to tell you that my computer is NOT ivrit-illiterate!
simply i dont know the hebrew keyboard!

write to me in hebrew! i need it!
Kendra said…
Mazel Tov for the good parts and (I'm a proselyte in process, I don't know the term of "may things unfold as they should") for the bad.

I've been wrestling with the doubt thing a lot the last four months. (and most of my adult life I was an atheist)

A partially complete, abbreviated summary of my accpetance of things...

(a) to love Torah for its own sake means for _no gain_ nor _any_ external influence. Knowing for sure that Torah is from Hashem is such an influence. The goal is love of the righteousness. (How that word has been tainted by arrogance and hypocrisy!) Torah exists to provide a path to walk along towards that goal. (Towards! we're human, we don't ARRIVE!

Hashem can make angels. I believe we're not being marked on results. I think it's literally "how you play the game".

What's the point of making a bad machine to do divine work (humans) when flawless machines (angels) are available? If results were the key thing?

That's an answer: if the process is more important than the results.)

(b) certainty leads to disrespect for reality itself (which is Hashem's work). Because it enhances the tendency to see what you want rather than see what is there. The Rambam says we have faith in unity/oneness of all things, not faith in truth.

(c) look at the horrors humans are party to. Surely something bad should happen for the gap between intentions and deeds.

But it's credible we deserve mercy, even so. We were thrust into this mess a stituation where doing the right thing is simple and simple things are very difficult too much of the time.

But I think not getting to know if Hashem has objective reality or not is sufficient and proportionate consequence for our lapses. To answer the things we could do (even after the difficulties) yet don't.

Kendra said…
The illusionary nature of Time is pierced by Hashem...all events are one. (scientists agree time makes no sense. We can describe it but there is no sensible explantion for its place in cosmology, or so I was told.)

This explains an apparent contradiction. How Hashem can set up this punishment before we did the wrong doings. Just as mercy is granted before the misdeeds, too.

I think maybe to Hashem we are a sculpture in eternity. To us we are the marble, collectively aware of every change from blockness to finished form. (and we are marble that every speck of it has the single choice: to be part of the sculpture or not. When a chip flakes off, the work incorporates that dynamic reality. We too will sing with joy of Creation when it is all done.)

rofey choley amo Yisrael. Life wounds, Hashem heals, it all gets brought into the Oneness. I believe in Olam Ha Ba, that my pain becomes everyone else's, my learning theirs, and vice versa...and also the relief and joy of everyone's healing.

Since we all get fixed up in the end, the pain doesn't matter in the end. Just like pneumonia is horrible while you have it but when it's gone, life goes on.

And if that's just airy nonsense to you as well, I hope you find peace and receive blessings.

I have found no assurance there is an objective reality to Hashem. I've also found I don't need certainty. Judaism _could_ be true.

And if it's not, I'm willing to die striving to make its dream as real as the situation will allow.
If Hashem is our construction, that construction is badly needed by humanity.

Yehudi01 said…
LL, Keep your chin have alot of cyber-friends that think of you, even when they're not in front of their computer! I will daven for you...and G-d always answers my prayers! :) Mazel Tov on the wedding news! Keep us posted! L'Shalom, Yehudi

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