The End. Is there a Beginning...?

This is my first post back on Tikkun Olam since April 23rd, 2015. It does not feel real.

Why is it that we never think we will ever have a JOLT in our lives that will change the entire life course we have been traveling? We continue on, day by day, complacent, even in the face of serious illness--believing that what we are living is the only reality; that it is immutable, that it is PHYSICAL: you can touch it, feel it, and it will continue to be there for you tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow...

But it isn't. And it won't.  Because the unthinkable can, and does, happen, in time. To everybody. As it happened to me, almost a year ago, on August 10, 2015, when my DH - Dear Husband, of 46 years, died.

I am living in an Alternate Universe. Because the universe in which I was living all my life until now, is gone. I still want to slap myself in the face and wake myself up. It's a dream. A terrible nightmare.  It's a horror movie with a frightening ending, but I will awaken and be back where I was before, in my life, with my husband being my rock, taking care of everything important: ideas for major decision-making, personal finances, annual taxes, even cooking - which was his hobby and passion. And everything will be ok. Tell me, Stu, that everything will be ok...

Monday, 7 August 2017, 12:20 pm MDT.

Alright. I just read the above, which I wrote almost one year after Stu a"h passed away, and (still) tears welled up. You'd think, it's now almost two years: Stu's 2nd yahrtzeit is on the 25th of Av--no "menachem" there; just Av, which this year falls on August 16th at night, August 17th all day. You'd think, it's two years--get over it already.  I read once, recently, of a woman who was married for many years--longer than I, who also lost her husband. She was asked once whether she 'got over it already,' or was told, 'with the passage of time you'll get over it.' Do you know what she answered? She said that she hopes she never gets over it. Matter of factly. She said, she shared a life with her DH (Dear Husband) for many years, and she wants to continue to remember, value, and miss him, forever. That doesn't mean that she won't "move on," whatever that means. But she can move on and miss him for the rest of her life.
Not sure how well I'm doing in the "moving on" department. But I certainly miss him. We were 'Orah v'Simcha. That was our phrase: ליהודים היתה אורה ושמחה.  From Shabbat z'mirot to Megilat Esther...

I peruse my old posts, and note the dates they were written. Do you know what I am thinking? Posted June 29, 2010 (this was a popular post, Blogger tells me); {thought: Stu was still alive; he'd be alive for 5 more years} March 29, 2012. {thought: Stu was alive. In three more years, it would be his last birthday on this Earth. I made him a 69th birthday party at the East Side Kosher Deli, because he so wanted one. Maybe he knew. 55 or so friends came!  Four months after that, he was gone.}

Not healthy thinking, some, maybe most, would venture to say. But that's what it is now, two years after.
I think now of our personal phrase (see above), and think: ?אם אין שמחה, איפה אורה.  If there is no happiness, where is the light...{thought: if there is no Stu, where is Lady Light...?}

This is all I can write at this time. Perhaps I'll continue my blog, perhaps not. Only Time will Tell.


David Staum said…
This is a heartbreaking post. I can't imagine what it's like to lose one's other half. I always worry about the right thing to say during shiva. But reading your post, I realize that shiva never totally ends, and I wish I had the right words now. Wishing you much nechama.

I do hope you revive your blog. I may have often disagreed with you, but I always enjoyed reading.
Lady-Light said…
So nice to hear from you! I'm out of the loop in Bloggerland for some years now. Haven't had the cheshek to get back into it. Maybe, in time... Meanwhile, your kind words and empathy are much appreciated.
Laya said…
I do not believe this is something one "gets over" ever. You get through it day by day, one breath at a time. The hole in the heart can never be filled with anything else. I've seen this with other friends who were widowed; it's such a deep loss. You're still living life day by day, loving and living. You continuing to shine your light into this world is a way to lift Stu's soul and honor the rich life the two of you built together. Yes, life moves forward and you are too. May Simcha's memory always be for a blessing and bring you comfort as you cotinue to bring your sweet light into this world.
Batya Medad said…
Darling, blog, keep busy and move to be closer to your kids. Just make a decision. Flip a coin if necessary.
Wonderful Lady Light,
May I encourage you to keep blogging, dear? It is good therapy for the Soul! And I agree that no one "gets over it", we just manage to to live with what is. In this lifetime, it is finite, but later, in the REAL life, all is infinite. Just as the light you share with all the people you touch. We may never get the answers to our questions, especially our "WHY"s. We can only continue on our path trusting completely the our infinite Creator, that He does know best. Our Emuna must increase, not diminish. Everything has a meaning and a purpose yet we may not yet know what it is.Courage, dear Lady! And let your light shine for all to see!
Paula R. Stern said…
Sending hugs and love. No, I don't think you'll ever get "over" it. I also don't think losing your beloved husband of 46 years is something to get "over" or even something to get "through." You are right - your life has been turned in a different direction and what you are doing and need to do, is find a path for yourself - one that lets you live and be okay. If blogging helps you, blog. If it hurts, than wait. The words are there and you've always shared them with people. But they are your words and it is your life.

My grandmother had a great philosophy in life. She died when she was the age I am now, only 56 years old but there is much wisdom in what she left behind. When you need to make a decision, the taught my mother, decide in your head one of the options and then live with that decision as if it is final...and see how you feel. Then, even if you liked that decision, reverse it and go with the other option and for a few days, decide whether that one is best for you.

What I have found is that as soon as I try to switch to the second option, one of two things happens. Either I am immensely relieved and realize it is the right choice, or I immensely saddened and feel that I've made a mistake and so I know the first choice is best. I can't tell you how many times I have done this...and it least for me.

I think the single most important thing you have to do is simply accept yourself, accept that you have to grieve and will for a long time; accept that you are lonely; accept that you feel alone. You have survived two years, moved forward with your family, made a new home,'re doing amazingly well. Be proud of where you are now. I hope things will get easier and if writing helps, write. Whatever you do - do it for yourself, meet your needs. We all love reading, knowing, catching up - and we're all here to support you and love your words...and your smiles...and you.
Chaya said…
Thanks for letting us into your heart and soul. I agree with Miryam's comment above. May you have the strength - emotional, physical and spiritual - to be able to continue on in your life with some form of contentment and lots of support from your family and friends. Hugs to you.
Dovid said…
This is David. You sent me a message but my subscription has lapsed. I am visiting my daughter in Chicago. Have a terrific and sweet Shabbos.

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Anonymous said…
How can anyone truly relate to the tragic loss of a beloved spouse or even tell another to move on. I was in a long term relationship with someone who was self-centered and selfish. A nice person, but irritating sometimes. Finally, she did something that was the opposite of mentsclichkeit. Out of self-preservation I ended the charade. Very hard to do it, but I had to just to preserve my self-respect. Goid Shabbos

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