"Retirement"

I don't feel like posting about anything substantial or important. Too many problems to contend with, so instead, I'll post something which I received in an email. It's probably 'going around,' as they say, and you may have seen it.  Forgive me, if you already have; enjoy, if you're seeing it here first.
It speaks to us, actually, who are in retirement mode.  Don't know to whom to attribute it, but thank you, anonymous sir/madame, anyway...(we are thinking of Florida...or Israel...)

Retirement!!!

 

There are many retirement options. Here is a guide to help you make the right choice. 

You can retire to Phoenix or Tucson, Arizona where...

• You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
• You've experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
• You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
• You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
• You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
• The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

OR

You can retire to California where...

• You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
• The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
• You know how to eat an artichoke.
• You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
• When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
• The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City where...

• You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
• You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
• You think Central Park is "nature."
• You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
• You've worn out a car horn. (Ed.Note if you have a car).
• You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR

You can retire to Minnesota where...

• You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .
• Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
• You have more than one recipe for casserole.
• Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
• The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and      construction.

OR

You can retire to the Deep South where...

• You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
• "Y' all" is singular and "aly'all" is plural.
• "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
• Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Ellen, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
• Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too.

OR

You can retire to Colorado where...

• You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
• You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
• A pass does not involve a football or dating.
• The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR

You can retire to the Midwest      where...

• You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
• Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
• You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
• 4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat      at?"
• 5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

OR

FINALLY, you can retire to Florida where...

• You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
• All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
• Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
• Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
• Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.