Learn Hebrew For Free Online!

My loyal readers (yeah, that means you!), you know that I sometimes-- well, ok--most of the time--intersperse various and sundry Hebrew words in my posts.
Sometimes I translate them, and sometimes not; so here is your big chance to learn Ivrit, free, and online at your convenience--so that you will never be in the dark about those untranslated words again. Here is a sample, but click on the title link to get the full lesson from Uncyclopedia* (Disclaimer: the following is a bit irreverent, has graphic content, and gets even raunchier the further you read; click on title link at your own risk. Blog author NOT responsible for contents. Adults over 18 only.
No refunds.):

HowTo: Learn Hebrew
*From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Goys may not have enough chutzpah to understand Jewish wit. Kvetch about it all you want, but that won't help you understand it. Fill your kepellah with knowledge more suited for you.

“Mchh Mchh Mcht, Chht Chht Mchht Hey! you speak fluent Hebrew! Naahhh, just clearing my throat”
~ Non Hebrew Speakers on Hebrew

“There is no Hebrew language. They just make it up as they go along”
~ Noam Chomsky on Hebrew

“סביר להניח שאני אוכל אותך”
~ A Hebrew-speaking Grue on Hebrew

So you've decided that you simply must speakth the ancient language of the Hebrews? Want to get closer to Jewdom? Want perhaps to better know your enemies, the Elders of Zion**? Search no more. You have come to the right place.

WARNING Speaking Hebrew is considered extremely dangerous in several unfriendly countries around the world. Hebrew speakers are hereby urged to refrain from speaking Hebrew around the following:
Weird bearded folk that look like they are intent on pushing you into the Mediterranean
Members of the
National Socialist Party
French People
Uncyclopedia is an encyclopedia full of misinformation and utter lies. You might say it puts the "psych!" in "encyclopedia". It's sort of like Congress or Parliament, but unlike Congress or Parliament, we do have a sense of humor. Nonetheless, this is one of the only factual pages, before everything turns into a puddle of utter confusion and disarray. Savor it. And for the love of Sophia, we know you like disarray, (and confusion) but stop adding confusion to this non-confusing page which leads to confusion, and possibly disarray. Which we wish to stop. Non-non-confusion, that is. Not disarray. Or is it the other way around?"

[**see my previous post of 27 July.]


Anonymous said…
!אמא את גדולה מהחיים
Lady-Light said…
גדולה? אה, אני יודעת שאני
צריכה לרדת במשקל. . .
Eitan Ha'ahzari said…
nice play on words, ima ve'Natan;)and yes, lady-light, you arequite spectacular...thx for the comments over at mine!!!
Eitan Ha'ahzari said…
Eitan: where do you live? If you'd like to get in touch, hit me up @ enigman81@hotmail.com Maybe we can touch base sometime. The wife and I live in Morasha in Ramat Hasharon.

Best regards from Eitan to Natan:)
Anonymous said…
My brother and his family are moving to Dubai so I have decided to learn Arabic, the problem is I have no idea where to start! Arabic is not as widely spoke as languages such as French and German so I am having trouble locating a tutor. So I have decided that I am going to do it myself online. Does anyone have any experience of learning language online? Is it easy when there’s no one to speak to? Also what are the prices like?
Lady-Light said…
Anon: It's harder to learn a language in a vacuum, that is, when you have no one to speak to, but it is possible. Why don't you 'Google' "learn Arabic online" and see what you get?
Thank you for your comment, and good luck.

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