The End. Is there a Beginning...?

This is my first post back on Tikkun Olam since April 23rd, 2015. It does not feel real.

Why is it that we never think we will ever have a JOLT in our lives that will change the entire life course we have been traveling? We continue on, day by day, complacent, even in the face of serious illness--believing that what we are living is the only reality; that it is immutable, that it is PHYSICAL: you can touch it, feel it, and it will continue to be there for you tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow...

But it isn't. And it won't.  Because the unthinkable can, and does, happen, in time. To everybody. As it happened to me, almost a year ago, on August 10, 2015, when my DH - Dear Husband, of 46 years, died.

I am living in an Alternate Universe. Because the universe in which I was living all my life until now, is gone. I still want to slap myself in the face and wake myself up. It's a dream. A terrible nightmare.  It's a horror movie with a frightening ending, but I will awaken and be back where I was before, in my life, with my husband being my rock, taking care of everything important: ideas for major decision-making, personal finances, annual taxes, even cooking - which was his hobby and passion. And everything will be ok. Tell me, Stu, that everything will be ok...

Monday, 7 August 2017, 12:20 pm MDT.

Alright. I just read the above, which I wrote almost one year after Stu a"h passed away, and (still) tears welled up. You'd think, it's now almost two years: Stu's 2nd yahrtzeit is on the 25th of Av--no "menachem" there; just Av, which this year falls on August 16th at night, August 17th all day. You'd think, it's two years--get over it already.  I read once, recently, of a woman who was married for many years--longer than I, who also lost her husband. She was asked once whether she 'got over it already,' or was told, 'with the passage of time you'll get over it.' Do you know what she answered? She said that she hopes she never gets over it. Matter of factly. She said, she shared a life with her DH (Dear Husband) for many years, and she wants to continue to remember, value, and miss him, forever. That doesn't mean that she won't "move on," whatever that means. But she can move on and miss him for the rest of her life.
Not sure how well I'm doing in the "moving on" department. But I certainly miss him. We were 'Orah v'Simcha. That was our phrase: ליהודים היתה אורה ושמחה.  From Shabbat z'mirot to Megilat Esther...

I peruse my old posts, and note the dates they were written. Do you know what I am thinking? Posted June 29, 2010 (this was a popular post, Blogger tells me); {thought: Stu was still alive; he'd be alive for 5 more years} March 29, 2012. {thought: Stu was alive. In three more years, it would be his last birthday on this Earth. I made him a 69th birthday party at the East Side Kosher Deli, because he so wanted one. Maybe he knew. 55 or so friends came!  Four months after that, he was gone.}

Not healthy thinking, some, maybe most, would venture to say. But that's what it is now, two years after.
I think now of our personal phrase (see above), and think: ?אם אין שמחה, איפה אורה.  If there is no happiness, where is the light...{thought: if there is no Stu, where is Lady Light...?}

This is all I can write at this time. Perhaps I'll continue my blog, perhaps not. Only Time will Tell.